4/17- Catching Up: TX to TN

Given my absence this week, as we've been rolling along down south, I figured I'd catch myself up on the goings on of our adventures. Todd has put up his angle on things so I'll likely stray from retelling the same story, but I do like to have my version out there for y'alls enjoyment.

I think the last thing I had really gone on about, aside from my "cops are just another mafia" rant, was the strange sensation of hitching rides and coming to terms with finding my place in that. I was right in my end conclusion. The next day I felt very comfortable settling in to just ride without feeling the need to sing and dance for it. I think it also was a tremendous boost of feeling useful when we were set to work scouting for veggie, and then learning the art of processing it.

I did feel really bad about messing up Ole Tex's parking lot. He had a very valid point in being so pissed off about it. Here we were using his oil, which he had no problem with us using, and we left a disaster on his rather well kept lot. For a time, I will admit, I was having second thoughts after that about this ride due to lack of consideration. It turned out merely to be a lesson to me.

Since we've been aboard the Zeitgeist Apparatus both Devin and Leif have been quite welcoming and open in their own ways. My worry at Amarillo was that that may only apply to those in their mindset. I've found myself to be disproven often as we run into different varieties of folks. What that first mess turned out to be wasn't Devin saying "fuck it, who cares about these guys", but merely under estimating the mess that comes with first timers along with an unexpectedly strong wind. Every juice up since we've been very conscious of keeping a tidy work space so we don't piss off those who gave. Devin, in particular, is very fixed on everyone's experience being great, from us to those we pass. It was a good way to leave Texas, though, with an old fashioned dash to the county line, albeit from phantom cops who didn't show up until Tennessee.

Oklahoma City was a curiosity. As previously mentioned Todd and I were both feeling a strong draw here. Now that its come and gone we're not entirely sure why, but the theory is that it may become a potent reference point.

It was an interesting evening. We did both feel a sense of being out of place, as he wrote, but I think he did far more than I. Our hosts, Devin and Leif included, are a punk/collective culture group in the same vein as my good friend Loreli in Denver. My sister also dabbles in the upper crust version of these circles. It does tend to draw in a certain solidarity that can throw up a barrier to those not immersed in that way of life. Whether that's intentional or not I don't know, but I have never felt 100% welcome in these sorts of circles.

I've always admired facets and pieces of this lifestyle. Visiting Loreli I have been jealous, on occasion, at the in-house community. Family and community are highly prized and rarely found treasures of mine. This was, as previously posted, one of the things I had in Denver on a small scale and had a troubling time giving up for travels again. I felt an even stronger sense of that jealousy for this community that was hosting us in OKC. They had a close network of houses, physically as well as friendship-wise, that I would have liked to be able to drop into. Only relating to pieces and facets, though, would not be enough for me, and to my chagrin I know I wouldn't be able handle living with one roommate, much less several. I think, sadly, I'm naturally a hermit.

Never-the-less, I did have a great time there, and thank them for having us. Toward the end of the night we all had a good little pow-wow sitting in the backyard drinking beer.

It was also a strange night for me since I decided to break my sobriety then. It seemed like the night to do it, despite my plans to just quit for good.

On Thanksgiving I had my usual bourbon and Coke for my friend Jane's last night in the States. After that I decided to quit along with another good friend of mine. My idea over these past months was to reclaim the mentality I'd had and loved in high school. I still have that idea. The reason I broke that fast, as Todd calls it, was to come to terms with that fear, that comes with quitting, of the substance. That was given a test last night after the cop incident, and I failed.

After our run in with the Po-Po last night we all felt dirty, pissed of, and humiliated in some respects. The one I felt the most for was Leif. With his nerves showing under pressure they isolated him and just degraded the shit out of him. First by using him as a scapegoat to pull out a warrant on us, which he still seems to be beating himself up for. Second, the four of them loomed over us in bullet proof vests with side arms, while we sat in the grass on the side of the road, and picked on him like jocks in a high school locker room. Our taxes hard at work. They kept joking about him shaking, and how nervous he was. Its a wonder why Columbine happened isn't it?

Anyway, after that ordeal we all wanted just to unwind in a bar. It would have been easy for me to sit in the bar after that and have tomato juice, food, or just coffee had I not had those beers in Oklahoma, because I would have been very conscious of breaking the fast then as submission to bullying. I'm a stubborn asshole like that. Having already delved into it I had an excuse. That excuse was backed up with meeting Todd's friend Kim and her boyfriend, Chad. Chad's birthday is coming up May 5th and mine is on Monday. That opened the door to him buying me a round of whiskey shots, and me returning the favor. I could feel in me this morning that those shots alone nearly blacked me out. I'm thinking it may be time for me to weigh this sobriety moderation thing quite seriously.

I've had several friends before who quit, and others who have quit properly. I've flirted with addictions to other highly addictive substances and had no problems dropping them when I saw trouble coming. My mindset has been the same with alcohol, but liquor may prove a tougher foe than I originally anticipated.

It may come to you readers of this as a surprise that I have a hard time with classroom-esque structure. D&D has a very apt description for the half-elf race that I've always felt suited me well. I don't like to be a follower and I don't like having followers. Again, I'm a stubborn asshole that way. However, I do like having an influence on people, and I love learning from others. The relevance of this statement is in the way I resist seeking any sort of help when struggling with the temper mental yoke of figuring out alcoholism and addiction.

I don't do well with classroom scenarios, methods, time tested and proven processes of handling these things. This is my gi-normous ego that passers by in my life would easily miss. Perhaps that was the draw of Oklahoma; to act as a catalyst for Nashville's test. Having failed, perhaps this is my first project on this sojourn. We shall see. I believe I've droned on long enough now.

Click here for Todd's perspective.