Sunday, March 27, 2011

Shadow Living

I've hit a wall. An interesting wall, but a wall none-the-less. For those in the wonder, I migrated to Mexico on the beginnings of a quest to voyage overland, feeling informed by the messages of internal council, but with the intent that a return home would be not only a sense of quitting, but quitting on a mission devised by the greater unconscious. By the definitions of society this would be considered a holy mission, which gives it a far greater connotation that I feel it should have, but it is that to me in many ways.

A few weeks ago my Peruvian drive was given a 180° reverse and I find myself driven North with the full belief that this will still send me South. During this time I've seen signs upon signs that I'm not to be spending my time documenting the details of this quest, but more to absorb it, take it in, and allow it to simply just be.

I've been told on several occasions that I should be writing and sharing more of my findings on this odyssey by both close friends and comrades in this journey as well as arm chair onlookers and home bound practitioners of what it is I hint at seeking. I'm even chastised every so often when I swing from the predicted moves that would seem to come from pursuing these aspirations. I recognize that these come from concern that I'm faltering in my set task, and that these people are trying to help in keeping me on this path. The fact of the matter lies in that these people are not on this path. I am on my own path, no one elses, and no else can be on mine, everyone has their own. An outside view is both valuable to the traveler and disorienting.

In turning north I decided to go dark. This is more than just what it seems. For a long time I've lived a life of dualities that make sense together whether social archetypes recognize this or not. In previous posts I've mentioned that I've been an escort, that I've held secret lives while living completely normal ones next to it as I go. Something I've realized recently is that this has been an unhealthy manifestation of something quite necessary for being alive. Everyone has a side life they tell no one, or a very limited few, about. Shame holds us all back whether its the act or the secret that makes it shameful.

I've begun to call this aspect my shadow life, borrowed from my interaction with the Mankind Project last year. I've come to realize this secret living is a necessity that I've been ashamed to hide from loved ones and therefore have felt the need to eventually confess it at times. In the past this shadow life has been a relatively unhealthy existence that I come and go on, mostly out of shame, not out of want or will to continue it. By societies definitions I am a complete degenerate. By societies general reception of me I am an exceptional man and one who holds some sort of healing presence for those around me. I never really understood this compliment until recently I've begun to see that this "healing presence" is just an acceptance and willingness to listen. The healing aspect, I think, is that people seem to feel free to unload on me, and share a bit more of their truer, and often darker, nature without feeling threatened by criticism or judgement. I've only recently started really understand, and therefore, accept this compliment.

This past week I've disappeared from communication to anyone. Few know where I am, and no one knows where I've been or where I'll be. This is my shadow life now. I need a cloak now in my actions because I need to live. Everyone needs this, I believe, but so few of us are ever given the chance to truly get it so we turn to deception more often than not. How can we escape with the abundance of responsibilities and obligations that we've honored ourselves to? My turn is to say that I simply told everyone that I would simply be unreachable and that I was taking a drastic turn. Their own curiosities are their own.

Over the course of my journeys I've been told several times by those I have a great connection and trust in as well, as well as those who simply hero-fy me from afar, that I have a duty to report my findings of what I'm pursuing, finding, and experiencing. In the first three days of being in Mexico my camera died. Todd replaced it a month later and a few weeks after that (two days into a ten day highly influential road trip) that camera was broken. A month after concluding my daily reports of my every activity my first camera was wrecked. On top of this, while in Mexico, whenever I sought to write, whether I'd been alone for hours or not, when I sat to write someone would show up and get me chatting. I never ended up writing. I'm not to document, in my belief, but I'm simply to absorb.

I wonder, if my findings are so valuable, why don't the people who admire and Santa Clausify me go on their own journeys. It seems, admiring a hero for something one would like to really do just procrastinates one from not pursuing it themselves, in their own way. I like sharing this journey, and just my life in general with people. I like to tell stories, sometimes too often, but I often times over burden myself with self made obligations to share every aspect of myself with people. As I said above, my journey is mine, and though it maybe to useful to hear about my successes and failures to help someone else with their own path they still have their own path to take. Using mine, or Todds, or anyone elses, including celebrities and historical or fictitious figures, to substitute for taking that quest will take you no where.

My quest seems to have me traveling everywhere right now, but this isn't the entirety of my path. A lot of it, and most of what I feel like will be in the near future, will be very stationary; and that will be one of the largest challenges for me. I've been really inspired by my mom lately as I watch her clearly taking her own steps from a very physically stationary position. Her journey is just as exotic, thrilling, frightening, and challenging as my mobile one now, and serves to be equally as inspiring to me as she tells me mine is to her. Many of my friends are undergoing this sort of adventure as well. Exploring the wilds of stability. I'm excited now to see how well I can navigate this challenge as it comes to me.