3/29- Nearing the end & beginning

This, my friends, is an unusual time, to say the least, right now for me. There is a cacophony of emotions swirling about in my little brain which remind me terribly of a promise I made to myself back in my Hawaiian exile as an 18 year old lad. I swore never to leave good friends behind again as I did after high school, but have done nothing but that since I left college.

Last night it took me two and a half hours to get to sleep as all of this desertion fully set in on me. I've longed, for a decade, for a family and home and am quite terrified that with my rolling stone momentum I've gained over those years I am now incapable of stopping when I find it. This is a very old fear, but the level of kinship I found this past year, with Ang for the most part, but other good friends I see less often, has intensified every aspect of this departure.

On the one hand, as I was telling Todd tonight, I feel very much that I'm finally getting back into the boat again after a nine year hiatus. Not because I was working in coffee shops, I actually really love that work, but because I was wasting away in those shops. I wasn't challenging myself in anyway, other than a neat new concoction of a drink, or diving into advising on one of my regulars issues with life. Dropping out of work and routine with this driving sense of exploring what ever this thing is taking hold in my head feels so intensely powerfully. Its like the baby steps toward getting back into life and contributing myself. Erasing my potential to transmute it into actual worth.

This is the boat I feel like I'm getting back into, having returned from my retirement away into self reevaluation after failing to step up and act on the next step in my film exploration. Everything is now pulling together in the same direction, but whats extremely difficult now is giving up the support I've finally just found. This is whats on the other hand.

Ang is my family now after this past year. I have another friend Loreli with Izzy, her 5 year old daughter, who I've known since she was 15 months and figure myself as having some uncley role in her life. They, with her boyfriend, Brandon, give me the feeling of being that old grampa when they come over, which I really actually love. I'm convinced I'll be an amazing old man and can't wait for it. They often remind of an old family friend, Ersie, who made cookies with my sister and I when we were young. Its hard to remember that I rarely saw her, because she so prominently coats my childhood memories, but I like to wonder if that's how Izzy will think of me when she gets old. I think the same when I visit my friend Gus and his 6 year old, Aenea, who I intend to spend some time with on this eastward venture.

Anyway, I'm rambling now, but the idea is there. These are the people and feelings I'm afraid I may be piddling away by taking off yet again. The strength in endeavoring on with this exploration is that I have a strong feeling, with no precedent to justify feeling this way, but never-the-less I feel that finding the end of this trip's train of thought will strengthen and solidify everything I'm logically worried about losing by going. I literally felt, last night, like I was a third person figure sitting back in my brain watching logic and intuition duke it out between fear and conviction, and logic just came off looking pathetic and flailing.

I've never trusted logical reasons for doing things. Any time I have when my intuition felt wrong about it its gone wrong. Any time I've gone on intuition when logically it was ridiculous everything worked out completely. Perhaps thats the idea of faith?

The fact that all of this is coming to a head just weeks before my 33rd birthday has also intrigued me. The Mayan 2012 predictions also fascinate me, especially when I read the news these days. Mostly, though, the synchronicity of most everyone that I know's lives all coming to this same sort of focus that I'm feeling has me most intrigued. I think its these things I'm looking to explore by stripping everything peripheral away, like paying rent and going to a regular daily job. With this economy I also have no qualms about stepping aside so someone who needs a job can have one while I go flit about with this.

Either tomorrow or Tuesday I'll finally be stepping out. Then the reality of what ever the fuck I'm doing will begin to really manifest itself, and even more so when I meet up with Todd and set off next week. Until then pins and needles, folks, and I'll be savoring the last minutes of being here with my Denver family.